it's been a fairly easy week just based on the timetable, no IPPT, no SOC, no RT, no PT, no ICCT, no acronyms...just wake up, eat, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep. i should enjoy this lifestyle. and in fact i am. just chillin out, relaxing, not doing much, using the free time to read, watch movies, write Christmas cards and plan for youth camp. it's been quite relaxed. yet, i can't help but feel drained after booking out every week.
i feel like i've been stuck in some kind of a time warp. yesterday i took to reading my old blog posts using Terry's free (but maybe must pay) mobile data plan, and, reading the blog posts from sec 3 till sec 4 till JC till now, i realised that i haven't changed alot. my mentality may have evolved, but it still is pretty much in the same mould as it was 4 years ago. this could really mean two things: i have been unaffected by the changes around me, or, i am stuck in a time warp, in a perfect little secondary school world. i would think it's a bit of both.
i haven't grown up much, have i?
have alot of things to say, but it's late, i'm tired and i wanna get some rest.
TWO MORE DAYS TO CAMP.
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."- Jer 33:3
1:05 AM
525600minutes, 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 1 year.
oh my freaking goodness...
i can't believe i made it through, i made it this far, this long. i remember telling myself that i will not allow the army to change me, that i will go into it, finish it up fast, and not let the whole new culture, the new dynamics, the new lifestyle, change me. i would never allow the army, or its people to alter the way i behave, the things i hold dear, the values i stand upon, the priorities i hold. yet, how can one not spend one entire year in an institution as pervasive (some would say invasive) to one's life as the army? and in fact i've changed.
i like to thing i've changed for the better, not worse, although that would be hard to ascertain for sure. i suppose i've become fitter? which is a good thing, assuming that i keep on exercising. however, what's physical is always temporary, it never lasts. emotionally i think i've grown. i'm more adept at controlling my temper, less affected by people around me. i've become more independent, more capable of suppressing my emotions to allow rational thinking to take over. i've become more patient (i hope), tried to be more sociable and interactive with other people. spiritually, i've grown too. the year started out really tough, feeling dry and detached, and it ended on a high with the birthday bash and 13 salvations last saturday. and in between it was a roller coaster ride. i've grown haven't i? and i'll be 20 in less than 2 months...
i like to reflect back, think back on the events that happened every time i cross a milestone. so what have i done since i got into the army? i've fired a gun for the first time (and also grenades and a matador), i've stayed out in the jungle for 5 days straight and lived to tell the tale, i digged a shellscrape not once, but at least 4 times, i've learnt close combat, won an award for being the best MATADOR gunner (wow, amazing... -_-) i've sat in a real life armoured vehicle for the first time. achievements outside of army? i did well for A levels, got myself the scholarship i always wanted, i've learnt (or, more accurately, am currently learning) how to play the guitar, i've led a whole new life group (twice)...not very impressive, actually. so yeah, it's nice to look back and congratulate myself on what i've achieved, which are, while little, still worth noting as milestones of life.
i think i might have become worse as well. while i vowed never to speak vulgarities, i've learnt alot of them since entering the army. i also have become darker, in a sense. it's an innocence lost, an optimism gone. i realised the bubble i've been living in all this while: happy nuclear family, dad with a stable job, mum with a stable job, brothers who are in school and doing fairly well, myself doing well in school, hanging out with friends who share the same values as i do, friends who don't lead you astray and wait for you to finish your meal before returning the tray together. and i realised that the good fortune i've been blessed with that is my life, is not one that many others enjoy, and it saddens me, terribly. i realised what a bubble i've been living in, what blessed fortune, what a gift from God i've had, and i'm both thankful and saddened at the same time. i've heard so many stories both in BMT and in this unit, that have really wrenched my heart and made me thank God for His favour over my life. i've met and made friends with people from single parent families, divorced familes, families whose parents don't give a damn about their children, i've met and made friends with people who smoke, drank, have tatoos, associate with gangs, womanise, sleep around...yet i don't think myself better than them. i am rather, humbled by the grace and favour of God on my life, and it makes me wonder how terrible things could turn with one wrong decision, one bad timing, one momentary lapse of reason...
the past year has shown the best in people and worst in people. i've seen sides of people that do not sit well with me: lecherous, materialistic, slothful, irresponsible, arrogant, unreasonable, the list goes on...yet an environment as cold and unfeeling as the army has also the ability to bring out the best sides in people: helpful, selfless, hardworking, diligent, friendly, loyal, encouraging, and the list goes on. the whole irony of the army is that the best and the worst can come and co-exist in the same place at the same time performing the same task. i think the best and worst sides of me have emerged as well. i realised that i could actually persevere through a physical task, much to my bewielderment, when i dug that shellscrape at field camp in 7 hours, i realised i also have the amazing capacity for bullshit when things don't go my way and i can still somehow find a way not to get pissed off. i also found out sides of me i don't like: i realised that i am, really, very messy; i found out that at times i can be very insensitive and shoot my tongue off and offend people without realising it; i can get irritated by the slightest of things; and the list goes on. i try to suppress my bad side. we all have a dark side i suppose, but inevitably, unwittingly, because we are but human, it emerges, and we do stupid things, things we regret on hindsight, things we wish we never did, things that when we look back, slap ourselves and wonder how we got so stupid in the first place.
i feel that i'm reaching a watershed right now. a crossroads, perhaps. the following year will be an important one. it will be one that will affect how i choose to live my life for a long time to come. there will be challenges, obstacles, tempations, distractions. yet, there will also be opportunities, celebrations, guidance. it's scary, to think that everything and anything might change in an instant. so many times this year i was so close to throwing in the towel on God, on everything that i stood for, on all the values and beliefs inculcated into me by the fine parenting of my father and mother. it's scary to think that we might turn aside, fall off, fade away any time, that any wrong turn, and bad move and it's Game Over. thank God that He's always kept me in the palm of His hand, that from challenge to challenge, from obstacle to obstacle, He's always guided me, encouraged me, provoked me, stimulated me and challenged me, and I've grown from strength to strength, glory to glory.
i cruised through life all the way until 4 dec 2008. aceing tests and exams were merely a matter of studying hard, ccas were fun after-school activities that served to widen my social circle with a bunch of similarly fun-loving friends, church was a place i grew up in, God was a person i took for granted. i think reality struck when i enlisted and was exposed to a whole new world i never knew existed. or rather, i knew, but never knew existed. cognitive knowledge vs practical knowledge. a world where people had no qualms pointing their middle finger at you and meaning it, where it was acceptable to insult someone's parents if you didn't like him, a world where women were referred to as sex objects and judged on the size of their boobs, a world where, when you wanted to curse someone you would offer to have sex with them (albeit using the vulgar term starting with F), and the appropriate response would be to offer to F them back, a world where it was better to lie, cheat and steal rather than to be honest, patient and diligent, a world gone mad, a world gone wrong. i hated the army, and now i still do. yet i must be thankful to it, for teaching me about life, about how to live it in a way that is set apart, that is different. i must be thankful for it for showing me things that i never have seen before, for teaching methat it is mostly better to hold my tongue rather than shoot it off. i've learnt how to suss out leaders who deserve respect from those who deserve disdain and scorn, and i've learnt how to ask God to help me forgive them. i've learnt that friends are easy to make but hard to keep, and i've found friends who will be with me for life.
i've learnt to trust God. when i am whisked away from the comforts of home and civilian life to an offshore military facility with just the bare essentials, living apart from my family and friends and forced to interact with a group of 40 complete strangers, i learnt to trust God. when i was out in the jungle for field camp, swatting mosquitoes, not bathing, eating horrible combat rations, i learnt to trust God. when i was posted to become a trooper in a forsaken, forlorn unit, i learnt to trust God. when training was tough and we had little sleep, when we bashed jungles and engaged in pointless firefights, i learnt to trust God. when i encountered unreasonable superiors who constantly toyed with bookout times and pile work upon work on me, i learnt to trust God. when we had to burn weekends and public holidays to spend the entire day shooting at the range, i learnt to trust God. when i spent 8 weekends away from church, detached from my weekly spiritual fix, just to direct traffic for NDP rehearsals, i learnt to trust God. when i collapsed outfield, got IV-ed and was hospitalised for 2 days for heat exhaustion, i learnt to trust God.
as i write this post, it's beginning to occur to me: it's not about me. this past year was never about me. it was all about God. it was Him working in my life, teaching me how to trust Him, how to put Him first, how to seek His face and still believe that He is sovereign even in an environment where 'God' is whoever has a rank higher than you. it was never about my problems, my difficulties, my challenges...it's come clear now. it's amazing isn't it? that as i look back on the year past, i see God's hand in everything. the non-believer or atheist might roll his eyes, but the Christian in me sees through eyes of faith, the work of God in my life, and everything that God made, it is good.
i suppose i should conclude this uber-long post. looking in the crystal ball to the year ahead, i see a need to continue trusting God. to learn to be conscious to do good to people around me, to learn to be a better manager of human-human relationships. i will also be preparing for life after army, maybe get a job, plan a holiday or something. i hope to get my drivers' license and expand my guitar repertoire. i would also like to improve on my french and learn to cook more dishes. in church, i would like to see my LG multiply to two, and my two SPs become leaders in these new LGs soon. i hope to finalise my uni application and get ready for a new chapter in life. one year, halfway there. this journey will end soon.
12:00 AM
i've taken to uploading all the old photos in my com onto facebook. i realised that i have folders and folders of old photos just waiting to be uploaded. it seems there's this trend on facebook to dig out all the photos taken in the time before facebook and upload them so that people can comment and have a good laugh about it. and i'm hopping on to this bandwagon. yesterday i put up all the 4J photos and today i'm putting up the 3R photos. i realised that photos are just so timeless, so wonderful at helping people remember stuff, rehashing memories. the camera must be one of the best inventions ever.
this Friday would be my one-year anniversary in the army. gosh has it been a year already? what will the next year hold? what new adventures will i embark on next? that shall be another post for another day.
meanwhile, enjoy the sounds of Ou De Yang, the guy whose songs really remind me secondary school days:
2:29 PM
tomorrow we make history.
12:06 AM
in the days since my last post, i have been keeping myself busy with guitar lessons, provided by Terry for free in the bunk. since then, i've learnt a number of songs, including Qing Tian, Poker Face, Viva La Vida, I'm Yours and Collide, more of less revolving around the same chords. guitar is fun. i wonder why i didn't pick it up earlier. it's such an irony that, 6 years after quitting AHS Guitar Ensemble in Sec 1 because i had absolutely zero interest in music, i am now learning guitar in the army, at the ripe old age of 19.
i've been keeping myself occupied doing a lot of church work, preparing for the birthday bash on Saturday. after booking out yesterday morning, i got home, slept for an hour before going out to meet to discuss the skit. then met derek and amanda later at night to discuss it further and buy materials for decor. after that i went home and did the milestones video till 3am when the comp crashed, gave up and went to bed. today i was up bright and early, partly because i wasn't used to waking up after the sun has risen above the horizon. i tried to get the video finished, but it failed, went to marine parade at 10.30 to get materials for the decor, realised popular only opens at 11, went for lunch, went to buy the materials, went to church, helped out a bit with the decor, and rehearsed the skit till 2plus when we called Derek to can the skit, thought of a brand new one and rehearsed it until 8plus. now i'm back home finishing up the video (it's done, thankfully), sending a file to amos, and finally finding some time to blog. I LOVE THIS LIFE.
i think i'm a workaholic. i just really love to do things. of course, they must be meaningful and productive endeavours, not mindless, inane, repititions done for the sake of putting on a good show so that we can pat ourselves on the back and pretend that we've achieved something spectacular when all that we've done is useless expenditure of energy. the army comes to mind at this juncture. so yah, i'm really a workaholic, as much as i like to think of myself as a slacker, work really energises me. i recall the many hours spent mugging away, and ending the day feeling so fulfilled and accomplished. i also recall the council meetings, the staying back late and the numerous cca rehearsals in secondary school. those were really wonderful times, looking back. so i've come to the conclusion that, so long as i attach value to the things i'm doing, work, regardless of how intense or difficult it may be, actually energises me and i actually do like doing it.
on the other hand, there is a danger of becoming a Martha. i think the story of Mary and Martha has secular applications as well. when we are so focused on doing the job well, we will tend to forget who or why we are working as hard as we are. when we lose focus, then the meaning for the work is lost, and it returns to become mindless expenditure of enery, empty and purposeless. i have been guilty of being Martha many many times. i must admit that, when working i am extremely task oriented. i detest diversions and digressions, and so that translates to many times forsaking human relations in order to fulfill a task. i admit in secondary school i was so caught up in cca i neglected spending time with family and even church, and when mugging for A levels, i missed alot of family gatherings as well. in this period of busyness, i feel strongly about having to take a step back, breathe in, and seek God first. as the saying goes, "too busy NOT to pray".
work is good, it takes your mind off many other things. when you focus your energies and time onto one single purpose, you tend to forget all other distractions. and i guess i've been going through many circumstances that provide distractions and diversions. they are emotional, mental and physical problems, yet all those fade away when i can concentrate on a single task. maybe that's why i like work, it keeps me away from wandering in my own thoughts.
in other news, i'm turing 20 in less than two months time. it's a watershed of sorts i guess. not a boy, not yet a man. haha. can't believe i'm quoting Britney Spears. yah maybe i should be a different person, shake off bad habits, pick up good ones. maybe the army is a good time for reflection, and a time to discover one's values and what one stands for, and build on those principles in preparation for adult life. gosh, i'm sounding so old. won't time just turn back to 2007 and freeze there? i want to be seventeen again...Let him know that you know best
Coz after all, you do know best
Try to slip past his defence
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
And things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong
I've lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
11:44 PM
(i would finish up the rest of the post in chinese if i were as fluent in the language as i am in English, but since i can express myself better in english, here goes...)
i was really happy to be back, despite having to clear half a day of leave to go for the farewell. it really was never about the drama camp and the accompanying 小品比赛, it was always about laoban, wasn't it? listening to her goodbye speech yesterday was a really heartwarming, heart wrenching and altogether emotional experience. and i realised that this awesome woman, who has inspired loyalty, respect and admiration among more than a decade's worth of students, has really taken a hard beating, by politicking, by (unnecessary) stress, and she's finally have to give up, throw in the towel and take care of herself more. hearing what she had to say about being 'targeted' and 'maligned' by the school management, which really drove her away, was a very sad thing. i realised that it was an unnecessary loss to the school, to CDS. i think laoban never wanted to leave AHS. as an alumni, nobody really wants to leave AHS, we keep returning, keep on calling up and meeting teachers and friends, because it really was one of the best experiences of our lives. but she had to leave, because of the way she was being treated by the school.
她昨天给了一个演讲。她说，她在清理书桌时，把所有的测验，笔记，都丢掉了，但她唯一没丢的东西就是数年来学生写给她的贺卡，the letters of appreciation, the many custom-made gifts from batches and batches of students. “这些东西不能丢，丢了就买不回来了“， 然后忍不住地，热泪盈眶。my first impression of laoban was that she was a really fierce, unapproachable strongwoman, the iron lady with a titanium will, and steely glare to match. she was legendary in that her stare alone would make some girls cry. but yesterday, she did show her softer, vulnerable side, a side rarely seen, a side that seldom surfaced beneath that strong, unbreakable exterior. 老板始终也是人。
i think laoban is a remarkable teacher, the best in her trade. not because she is able to churn out dozens of A students year after year, but because, her students (A or otherwise), never fail to return to the school year after year. her students give her their best because she always gave us her best. 蔡老师说，她很羡慕老板，为什么？因为，她有这么多校友，即使毕业了这么多年，当学会，当老师，需要帮忙时，他们都会积极地会来帮忙，而且不是意思意思回来，而是带着“一颗心“回来的。这不是一般老师能够做得到。老板成功不在她的学生毕业后，在社会上有非凡的成就，不在她的学生毕业了能够上大学，获得奖学金，做公司总裁，国会议员，等等。她成功在，她的学生，不管是靠到什么成绩，不管在上学时期是个high profile,积极的学生，她的欢送会时，竟然招徕了一批又一批的毕业生回来。我觉得这是非常难得的。that so many batches of students would rush down to AHS after work, after school, that two crazy guys would clear half a day of leave to comem down from Sungei Gedon camp, is testament to the breath and depth of the impact she's made in her students' lives after all these years. although many of these alumni have stopped returning to AHS regularly, although they haven't been around much, they've never forgotten the times in AHSCDS, and more importantly, they haven't forgotten laoban, no matter how far they've gone in life, what they've done or where they're going. in that respect, i think laoban is an extraordinary teacher, a life-changer, a person-developer. i think that's rare in a teacher, and i think our principal has failed in that she lost such an extraordinary teacher.
但老板累了。她的身体不好了。长年累月为我们奔波，为我们打气，为我们担心，为我们哭，使她的眼睛不好了，being exposed to stress for such a long time has really took a toll on her body, on her health, and yes, 她必须多爱她自己。so she's leaving, reluctantly, to a new environment, where hopefully she'll be alot happier, alot more relaxed, less stressed, where the principal will treat her better. thank you laoban, for always putting your students first, for having the true heart of a teacher. i think really, the mark of success in life isn't how much you have in your bank account, or how large your house is, or how many girls you've bedded, but how many lives you've touched. laoban realised that a long time ago, and her time in AHS really hasn't been lived in vain. i only wish that i could have a farewell like hers, where the different people i've encountered over the years would return as a powerful demonstration of a life well lived.
加油吧，老板。为得今日的掌声
费尽不少的心血
没有辛苦的耕耘
何来欣慰的收获
谁不曾在学习路上尝到失败与挫折
有谁不想成为明日耀眼的星星
望了失败继续前进
世上没有做不到的事
戏剧工作虽然艰辛
我却坚持走下去
不怕困难没有畏惧
自己的路自己掌握
只要勿忘我曾是中文戏剧一分子
只要铭记在我心我爱戏剧一辈子
8:46 AM
baptism was just great, i totally enjoyed it. i think what made it really special were the 9 (yes NINE) candidates who were up for water baptism. their testimonies were also very good and personal, and i really enjoyed listening how Jesus changed their lives for the better. it was also great because we more than filled up a whole bus. imagine how many youth we have now! some of us even had to tompang Uncle Philip's car in order to get everybody to the beach. but what was more important was the fact that we have so many candidates, and that they're ALL youth, whereas previously it was usually combined with Young Adults or Adults. the things God is doing in Livewire, how awesome is it? water baptism is always a very important first step for new believers, symbolising their dying to their old self and resurrecting to a new form. and, if we can really keep these people in God's will and get them to grow and serve, we have a generation that's ready to be set apart and do great things for God's Kingdom and maybe there'll be some hope for this world after all. i am so looking forward to the day we have our own missionaries, pastors, teachers, coming out from this former motley crew of young people and now a flourishing youth ministry. to God be all the glory.
i went, after baptism, to the Singapore v Thailand match at the National Stadium. the place is like stuck in a time warp. going there is a great way of feeling what it must have been like to watch soccer in the 70s and 80s. it's funny, that in a city teeming with modernity and cutting-edge infrastructure, Singapore still has a National Stadium that is very much the same as when it was built in the 70s. it's high time we got a more modern stadium that is more reflective of how far we've come. but that aside, Thailand was just the worst team i've ever watched, in terms of sportsmanship. their dives, arguments with the referee, taunts, and altogether unsporting behaviour was just to delay time to get themselves in the lead. it was despicable and an insult to soccer. FAS should lodge a complain with AFC and get them into some trouble. so what if you can score 3 goals but in between play like there are no rules or integrity needed in football. i so do not want to watch Thailand play, ever. i turn my nose up at a team like this, pathetic. there was absolutely no pride in winning that game, and if my team played like that, i wouldn't be too happy or proud about it either.
it's been a great Saturday, back to camp again tomorrow. hope this week will be slacker than the last. looking forward to service tomorrow. need to really reconnect with God again. i've been feeling distant, disconnected. i need Him again, always.
i want to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
lay down against you and breathe, feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
12:21 AM
rss, ahs, rjc, nsf
livewire, harborlight church
my booklist:
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
The Life You Always Wanted - John Ortberg
21: How Six Students Took Vegas For Millions - Ben Mezrich
John 3:16 - Max Lucado
Geopolitics: A Very Short Introduction - Klaus Dodds
The New Asian Hemisphere: The Irresistible Shift of Global Power to the East - Kishore Mahbubhani
Malaysian Politicians Say the Darndest Things, Vol. 1 - Amir Muhammad
The Post-American World - Fareed Zakaria
Life on the Edge - James Dobson
The Case For Christ - Lee Strobel