was on the mrt today and i feel so embarrased about what happened. i was at simei station and this pregnant lady walked in and i didn't notice her at all, being absorbed in this lame but addictive handphone game called Simcities societies. So this aunty sitting beside me actually called the pregnant lady over and offered her her seat, which made me really embarrassed because i think societal conventions would dictate that i should be the one to offer the seat since i was male and younger. Confession: i do not like to give up my seat on the MRT. It’s such a prized possession, a nice, clean plastic seat in a crowded train full of sweaty, dirty bodies. I confess to going extra lengths just to get myself a seat, such as taking the train from boon lay to joo koon to get an empty seat before taking all the way back to tanah merah. (it used to be the other way round: tampines to pasir ris, but that’s not the point).
I have NDP practice tomorrow. The very nice people of the NDP exco deemed it fit to keep the roads closed from 9am-11.30pm. it used to be 9am-10.30pm, but now they’ve extended the road closure by another hour. To add insult to injury, the Division Sergeant Major passed down an order that NSFs are not allowed to walk around in shopping malls or other public places in their uniform, which meant to say that we now have to change from our uniform to our civvies just to walk around in Marina Square during our breaks. All these rules and regulations never fail to annoy me. The SAF is obsessed, and i repeat, obsessed with maintaining a good image. Nothing wrong really, just that they go the extra mile just to impress the public with how efficient, effective and cutting-edge an organisation they think they are, which leaves us, the NSFs at the bottom of the pile, having to live with weird rules and regulations that inconvenience us. Enough said.
So Michael Jackson has had his memorial service. My dear brother didn’t record it for me so i think i will now have to wait for the re-runs, which are nowhere in sight, or watch it on youtube and wait for this slow computer to stream the videos. I’ve been wondering which other singer would be able to elicit such a public outpouring of grief and emotion upon his or her death. I don’t think any star after MJ will be able to. Stevie Wonder? Madonna? Diana Ross? I don’t know. How does one go from being a normal little kid to becoming THE biggest star in the WORLD? Michael Jackson was so big, so massive, so gigantic, i wonder how he managed to do it.
Got to book in tonight because i have NDP tomorrow. Haiz. I hate the journey to Boon Lay.
1:46 PM
while i was surfing facebook just now, i saw my birthdate: 23 Jan 1990. the number 1990 struck me. like, how long ago was 1990? my goodness, i don't even remember the 90s anymore, makes me feel weird thinking that i actually lived through the 90s, when the Clintons were in the White House, Lee Kwan Yew just stepped down and Michael Jackson was still alive and moonwalking...well, there's no major point to this random observation, just that i'm old...or at least, getting older.
can't wait to ORD. there are so many things that i want to get done before i pack my bags for the West. get a driving license, learn french, work (for once), travel, etc. it's surreal thinking that in 2 years i would be getting ready to leave Singapore for 3 or 4 years and survive on my own in a whole different land, a whole different city and culture. some days i wake up excited that i'll have an opportunity to leave this place to learn to stand on my own two feet in a faraway society. other days i wake up dreading to leave this island that i've grown so comfortable in, the land of great food, friends and family. i don't know why i'm even obsessing about this since i still have well over two years to go before i finally leave Singapore, but i guess it's just going to be such a big shift that i don't know what's going to happen.
Church today was quite amazing. had a very, very special guest speaker: Apostle Naomi Dowdy. she comes with a reputation, Ps Gerry refers to her many times during his messages. and she really is an annointed woman of God. listening to her sermon, i could really imagine the printed form being one of the epistles similar to Paul's or Peter's, ok maybe not that level, but certainly apostolic. she actually has a website: www.naomidowdy.com
ok now my blog post is starting to become me just rambling. this does not make for good writing. so i shall end here. let's hope the next week will be a better one...
3:11 PM
so happy to be home for the weekend. i went to marina bay on saturday to do traffic control for ndp again. this time i decided to go to the floating platform to see if i could go in to watch the parade. apparently, i could. so it was quite cool just walking into the rehearsal, with captains, staff sergeants, etc walking around but nobody stopping me. i watched the second half of the parade. it is really not the same watching the parade live as opposed to watching it at home. there's a different atmosphere when watching live. it was nice to see the fireworks too, although i'm sure they didnt spam the full display at the rehearsal.
on friday morning i woke up to the sad news that michael jackson was dead, after a cardiac arrest. although i can't honestly say that i'm a fan and follower of his music, i must admit that he was an icon, and incredibly talented. the extent of his fame and influence showed in how people were so aware of him despite not knowing how to sing his songs. he was truly one-of-a-kind and anyone must at least give him credit for that, despite his scandals and weirdness. i'm not an ardent fan of michael jackson, but i admire him for his talent, his fame and his uniqueness, and he must be remembered for that. it's ironic that in death, people becomem more aware and appreciative of his life. RIP Michael Jackson.
a very convicting message was preached this morning at church by Rev. Peter Lui, who never fails to deliver something insightful. he is able to take something 'old' and regurgitated and turn it into something fresh and intriguing. just goes to show that no matter how you read the Bible, there's always something new to learn. the message was: Your Work Matters To God. and it talks about attitude. it made me realise how much i've been complaining and whining about having to go through army, when the alternative was to take it as it is, and do the best that i can, for the glory of God. it's given me a paradigm shift, thinking about this phase in my life, and how i'm reacting to it. yes, army is crap, but just go through it and do it to the best of your ability. i think this pleases God.
went to watch transformers on thursday, yes, thursday. quite an awesome show. yes the plot was brainless, and the action was bordering on overkill, but hey, it was definitely entertaining and worth the price of the ticket. i'm so irked by the Straits Times' rating of half a star. it just goes to show how pompous and elitist john lui is for casting the show in such a dim light. sure it wasn't Oscar material or as riveting as the Dark Knight, but it was definitely better than half a star. and we got to watch it for free, coz LTA Chris (who is CPT Chris now, btw) treated us to the movie. what a great break in the middle of an army week.
28th of june, almost seven months into the army. 17 more to go...
10:18 PM
went out with the council people, sok shin has this amazingly cool but weird car. it's freaking hilarious.
i always enjoy going out with all these council people. thank God for blessing me with these crazy, funny and always interesting friends. life's never dull when they're around. (especially when your ex-council pres drives around in a floral mitsubishi colt.)
oh and that little kid in the middle of the picture is sok's brother, johnathan, who is really hyperactive, but i digress...
on sunday i joined the church people for this durian party at changi beach. i hate durians, so i didn't even go near the foul things, but i had nasi lemak and a great time stoning at the beach. quite a number of people were there. it reminded me of sunday nights when i was a young boy, when i would usually go with my family and a few other families to changi beach and we'd buy nasi lemak from changi point and go to the beach and play around. now we're all grown up, haha. at least it's good to relive those old days once in a while...
on
monday, i went with my section mates to this awesome japanese place, minori, where we had an ala carte buffet. i have never had such a good japanese buffet before. but it was quite sinful, gorging myself with all that food. but they put the food in really small plates so you don't feel like you're eating alot. quite expensive also, but for the range and quality of the food they offer, i think the 38bucks (incl. GST and service charge) were quite justified. a good starbucks after the meal capped off a good, albeit expensive day. (can't seem to upload the photos, will do so en masse when i feel like doing so...)
2:54 PM
anyway, for some reason i was browsing through my archives just before writing this post. it's great to, once in a while, go back and read some of the previous blog posts. i've had this blog for about 4 years now, so i can't believe it's still surviving and i'm still blogging.
wanted to blog about what happened yesterday during the 2.4 run, but i've been complaining about officers and the SAF and NS in general ad nauseum, i don't feel like blogging about it anymore. so frustrating, so horrible, just gotta hope ORD comes sooner than expected.
today after we booked out from guard duty, i was quite torn between going home to sleep and going Fort Canning, where Livewire was having WWW (Where Wally Worx), a 3-day games extravaganza. i went hoping to see 100 people, for the very first time in Livewire history. we didn't hit it, but nevertheless, i remain hopeful that this milestone will be reached very, very soon. for the first time in a long time i had the opportunity to sit aside and not be involved in the activities and truly observe the proceedings. and did i like what i saw. i saw many groups of young people thoroughly enjoying themselves. i saw them running hard, panting, wanting to finish the tasks and doing it to the best of their ability. i am reminded of the reaction some years before when they came because they 'had to', and they played games but never really tried to win. the change in the attitude, the dynamics, everything, leads me to remain bullish about where this youth ministry is heading.
i'm really disappointed that i can't go to sentosa with the rest tomorrow after church. i've been wanting to have an amazing race at sentosa with the church people for years and now that it happens, i can't go. the army really invades my usual routine. it's horrible when you plan your entire week's social life around two days. the many things that one has to forgo when one serves the country. it's a major inconvenience, to say the least. so many things that i want to do have to be put on hold or squeezed into the weekends just because i have to be in camp during the weekdays. the whole notion that your time is not your own, that somebody else plans your schedule, decides when you eat, sleep, use the toilet, etc. totally does not go down well with me. which is why i do not like this whole regiment thingy.
i do understand why it's so important that our country's citizens have to serve NS. the rationale for it is something i can sympathise with and have no qualms about. since it is absolutely essential that a country like Singapore has no choice but to put its male citizens through two years of military service, then it is imperative that these two years are spent wisely and the experience an enriching one, so that the two years, which are essentially the prime of our lives, are well-spent. the reality is that the time in NS is spent rather poorly. the vicious cycle of rushing to wait and waiting to rush repeats itself everyday. unnecessary activities and revisions are done just to 'cover my backside'. poor planning, miscommunication and quite simply put, 'cock ups' serve to waste our time and lower our morale. it's not as though these are rare situations, which are forgivable since cock-ups happen and no one is perfect. but if they happen on a daily basis, then it is a systematic error and a major flaw in the entire system. what can be done to improve this? the solution escapes me. i have no answer.
can they really blame us for showing poor attitude if our time is wasted every single day, when instructions are given at the last minute, when decisions are made and no explanations are given for them? when they don't teach us how to react in a certain scenario and we don't do what the 'SAF directive' prescribes, are we at fault? can i read their mind? the line of logic, the way of thinking and the method of execution of plans baffles me and leaves me flabbergasted. when you don't allow someone to book out for a postponed medical appointment because 'there's a very important lesson in the morning which you cannot miss', and then later you make that someone wait the entire morning because the lesson wasn't carried out, and you allowed someone else to book out for a medical appointment on the same day, in the afternoon, when we were doing something, how does that gain you any respect?
respect must be earned, it cannot be expected. there are two types of respect, as Mrs. Goh will have it: respect earned and respect due to. many people in the army possess the latter. but i think it is dangerous to confuse listening to orders with respect. e.g. i respect an officer because he has a rank, and he earned it full well by going through a very difficult OCS course. but do not confuse this with my listening to an order because i fear that if i do not do so, i will be charged, and i will have a record on my name and i will have no future. i think many people dont realise that, at least in the army, that positive attitude, good results and happy men can only be gotten if the leaders command the respect of their followers. respect due to can only take a leader so far, to go the distance, the leader must earn that respect. and that is where many fall short. i'm not one to talk myself. reflecting on this issue of respect, i realised that i did not bother to earn it from my followers when i was a leader in school, i just assumed that it would be given to me simply because i was a chairman or a leader or whatever. being in the position of a man now in the army, i've learnt that the most effective leaders were not those that were charismatic or effective communicators, i've learnt that that most effective leaders were those who commanded respect, by earning it. Bush and Clinton were charismatic, some would even say, charming, presidents, but they lost respect and will never be mentioned in the same breath as Reagen or Lincoln because of what they did. they just assumed they would be respected because they were the freaking leaders of the free world. LKY earned our respect by really toiling through with Singapore in the 'growing years'. sure, he expected respect to be given to him, but he sure earned respect when Singapore chalked 20 years of uninterrupted growth from independence. the point is, dont simply assume you can be an effective leader if you think your men will respect you just because you have been placed in a position, rather earn the right to be a leader of your men. leadership, i guess, is a battle of hearts and minds. many times the battle of the mind is won because the rational thinker will think it best not to rebel against a person of authority, but the battle of the heart is never won because the person of authority never bothers to try to fight that battle.
i don't see not being in command school as a disadvantage, it's making me think through many things from a different perspective. what can i do to make my leadership - especially in church - more effective, how can i be a better youth leader for God? what were some of the issues that i never thought of when i was a leader myself that i am thinking of now that i am a follower? i will leave with this quote:
"most men can handle adversity, but to truly test a man's character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln.
9:24 PM
when the call came, i recognised the number, since i've been corresponding with them for quite some time. when i saw it, i sorta knew it would be good news. well, at least i was hoping for good news. i was on the way home, in the mrt. and when the person just told me that i broke out into what was probably the widest grin of my life. terry, my buddy, was sitting beside me at the time and he was the first to know. thank God he was there so i had someone to tell. if not imagine how goofy i would have looked if i was alone on the train.
first things first: THANK GOD. really, it's not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God. how God saw me through O levels, going to RJ, A Levels and the whole scholarship application process. the ideas He birthed in my head, the people He put me with, the whole experience in the past six years has just been one step of God by another. looking back, i cannot but recognise and acknowledge His hand over my life, over every aspect of my life, up to today. and i'm so grateful. and i'm so excited, because, it's only the beginning of a long and amazing journey together with God at the helm and the Holy Spirit as my guide.
now that the reality has sunk in, it seems like a whole new world has been opened up to me. once i dreamt, fantasised about studying at the best institutions in the world, walking the hallowed hallways of higher education, strolling the sprawling grounds of Cornell, Stanford, Georgetown, etc. today the possibility has arrived. the dream has turned into reality. (well, almost, since i haven't gotten entry into these unis yet). i've never had this feeling before. going to the states on an mfa scholarship has been a goal and a dream for years, and now that it's been realised it just takes my breath away.
new challenges have arisen from this recent development. for one, i am now grappling with the likelihood that i would be away from Singapore for four years, which is a really long time. it not only means i will leave behind my family, my home, but also my friends, my entire support network, the entire environment that i've grown accustomed to. to leave the comfort zone that is singapore and venture into a whole new world, whether the US or Britain, is something that i am only just coming to terms to. it wasn't something that i had contemplated before, being so clouded by the fantasy of hobnobbing with the best and the brightest in the world, at the best and the brightest institutions of learning. i've begun thinking of practical problems that might arise:
for I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future - Jer 29:11
the future just got more exciting, yet more scary. yet i know, i know, He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives.
am supposed to go on a holiday with soo, meng and jinzhi and others (not confirmed) after ord. hope the plan materialises and we can all enjoy ourselves. gotta start saving!
also, i've to take SATs, something i've been putting off for two years now. i shall now go ahead and start mugging for it. the next test is in october, unfortunately. so while there's still time, there's only one chance to do well before the application window opens in nov/dec. at least there's something to challenge my brain while i rot in the army.
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good, all the time
through the darkest night His light will shine
God is good, God is good, all the time.
4:08 PM
more than i could hope or dream of
you have poured your favour on me
one day in the house of God is
better than a thousand days in the world
so blessed, i can't contain it
so much i've got to give it away
your love has taught me to live now
you are more than enough for me
12:16 AM
rss, ahs, rjc, nsf
livewire, harborlight church