12:08 am
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o'er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by your grace
On this altar I've written my life
Tells of the story I had with you my Lord
I want the world to know
God of my forever
And forever I'm with you
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honour will always be
To serve my Lord and King
God of my all I've surrendered
My heart finds it rest in your Word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for you has grown
Nothing matters when you're here with me
In the end just to hear you say 'well done'
Bowing before your throne
God of my forever
And forever I'm with you
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honour will always be
To serve my Lord and King
Forever and ever
Jesus you alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With you I walk this narrow way
10:22 pm
11:14 pm
It is 2.31 in the morning as I type this post and I have no desire to sleep. I lie in bed, snuggled comfortably under my blanket, hugging my bolster as the fan whirrs in the background.
Youth camp is over. It ended as fast as it began. I would love to do a detailed blog entry on it. Perhaps some other time. One sentence might suffice: this was the best youth camp ever.
Now that youth camp is over and I finally have some breathing space my thoughts have drifted to what I'm supposed to do before starting uni. Clearly one of the options is to find work. But this is something that I really have no interest in doing. Work bores me and tires me out. Fact is, I've never worked before in my life (something I'm quite ashamed to admit) and I'm apprehensive about starting anytime soon. I dislike the idea of working for money, although to think otherwise would be daft, I guess.
The question now is really, what's next? What's next after ord and what do I intend to do? The next nine months are precious because they represent freedom from any kind of institutional obligation. For once I am neither a student nor a soldier. I need not identify myself as one, so I must create a whole new identity of who I am and what I am.
Outward appearance is important in forging an identity. I intend to allow my hair to grow out, and see what it looks like before deciding what to do with it. I want a pair of new specs, preferably red, so I can ditch the black specs look of an NSF. I plan to get new shoes, something checkered, something versatile. I hope to get more clothes in vibrant hues, more jeans in lighter shades...
The outward appearance is nothing, though, if there is no inward change. I am no intellectual genius but I hope to hone my mental faculties before school starts. I want to read two books a month, one Christian, the other on any topic of any genre. I am serious about picking up French again. I want to learn new skills, perhaps web design or cooking.
So that's the plan for the next nine months. I also plan to be a lot more involved in church activities, building the youth ministry and helping out with the young adults. How will the next nine months be like? They had better be the most fulfilling time of my life so far.
2:42 am
It is now only one more week to youth camp. Seven days are actually a really short period of time, gone before you know it. This is especially so if you still have quite a few things left to prepare for camp.
I'm excited, really. More so for this year's camp than I was for previous years'. Maybe it's because of the fact that I have a larger stake in it, planning it from the very start, helping to do everything from conceptualising the format to planning the games to booking the transport. Of course, I didn't do everything by myself. I was part of the process.
Being part of the process gives one much greater excitement when it comes to the actual outcome. Citizens in democracies are generally more vocal and updated about current affairs because they have a say in how they want the country to be run; student councillors are always more enthusiastic about school events partly because they are almost always involved in some way in planning for the event; best men and bridesmaids always seem more excited about the wedding (and better-dressed) than the run-of-the-mill relative who's just turning up to show face. It's great having a stake in youth camp and being able to plan it. It feels like I had a part to play in it, and when people enjoy it, I would have contributed in some way.
But I don't think my excitement for youth camp is based on just that. There is a palpable sense of anticipation, an energetic buzz going on among the youth. There are the plans for late-night shadow parties after lights out, the reminiscing about previous years' camps and the fretting over how they are going to pay the $120 camp fee. Yup youth camp fever is in the air!
But I really don't think the excitement bubbling within me is due to that to. Sure I know everything that's going to happen at camp, I know the programme inside out, I even feel the excitement from the youth. But what really, really excites me, what gets the heart pumping, the pulse racing and the eyes glittering is the anticipation of how the services will be like. How is God going to move in the camp? How are lives going to be touched? How are people going to be changed? I feel such a surge of anticipation welling up within me, it's almost unprecedented.
Maybe I can change the topic for awhile. Just now at the bus stop, a burly Indian man came up to me to ask me to give him $2. I shook my head and looked away. He promptly went to ask everyone else at the bus stop, only to be rejected the same way by all of them. At moments like these I can't help but think about Jesus saying that 'what you did for the least of these people you did for me.' clearly helping the poor, feeding the hungry and clothing the naked is a biblical command. But I couldn't for the life of me fit that burly man into the 'least of these' category. He looked healthy and strong. His voice was booming, his gait was sure and he seemed to have no physical nor mental disability that would qualify him to solicit donations from random strangers. He must have either been very desperate or very shameless to just walk up to someone and ask for money. The judgemental part of me put him under the 'too-lazy-to-work' and 'bum' category of peoples, but the ethicist in me thought perhaps I was thinking too much. Maybe he was really hard up, perhaps he had just been retrenched, or he had a criminal record and couldn't find work, and was at his wits' end and therefore had to resort to public solicitation of donations. Then the other side popped up and suggested that perhaps I was too kind. He obviously had no shame in asking. He couldn't be at his wits' end, he didn't look like a desperate man trying to survive. He looked like an alcoholic or addict needing funds for his next fix! I guess I will never know.
Whatever the case, it's sad to see such things happening on the streets of Singapore. The Straits Times' headline today boasted of the 'lowest unemployment since 1991', yet the very evening of the day that article was published I encounter something like that. Hands up if you spot the irony. The troubling thing is that this was no isolated incident. Just last month a middle-aged lady wearing a baggy top stopped me outside Tampines to ask me for $5. It's a sad day when people have to appeal for the charity of random strangers rather than go to their elected MP or government agency for help. Why then do we have all these bureaucracies if a private citizen has to take matters into his own hands? Where then is the Socialism That Works?
No point ranting on this blog anyway. The bus is reaching my destination.
6:28 pm
So what did God speak to me today? Matthew 6:33 - Seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness, all all these things will be added unto you. I love the how the New Living Translation puts it: Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
I actually forgot this verse, consigning it to the recesses of my memory and not really reflecting on this. But today it just popped back into my head and the more I think about it the more I realize the power of this promise. Basically it sets a premise: seek first the kingdom of God, it requires an action: living righteously and it follows with a promise: and he will give you everything you need. Now this is quite something because while we all would like God to give us everything we need, it is so so difficult to seek God first in ALL we do and to live righteously in ALL we do.
If only life were that simple.
Today I went with my family to have dinner and somehow we ended up at Yew Tee Square slurping yong tau foo and awesome chee cheong fun. What was interesting was this busker who was playing Feliz Navidad on the guitar and this lady beside him who was singing the song. It was quite surreal listening to a Christmas carol being blared from a speaker in what is probably the most heartland of Singaporean heartlands. I gave them $2 because I wanted to thank them for spreading the Christmas cheer. Okay. I'm cheap.
Christmas is coming and before that, youth camp just around the corner. I always love this time of the year. There will be free flow of food, and not just any food but the whole festive shebang: ham, turkey, shepherd's pie, log cakes...there will be the parties and gatherings, from the intimate family dinners to the outright rowdy mass gatherings. How about the presents and the avalanche of cards filled with encouraging words thanking you for being a friend for the year? Not forgetting the carols, bright and clear, sung with the same gusto and enthusiasm every year as though we never grow tired of songs that never fail to repeat themselves at this time of the year. The lights that will brighten Orchard Road and the decorations that adorn every Christmas tree. The visitations we make to anyone kind enough to open their house, and the new clothes we buy, decked out in best to look good for the post-Christmas service photographs. Man am I blessed to celebrate Christmas!
Youth camp is coming! I'm so excited. If everything goes according to plan and I do leave to study, this will be my last youth camp. It's bittersweet and I'm determined to do everything in my power to make this the best youth camp ever. However, we can plan, but only God approves. And that's the awesome thing. How is God going to move in this camp? How are people going to get touched? How are we going to encounter His presence? It's gonna be epic!
Time to sleep. ORD in five more days. :-)
11:51 pm
Today I went to cut my hair. I hope it grows out soon coz it looks totally weird now with the sides growing out. No thanks to my short cut in the army. I'm finally going to ord next week, on Friday and I feel like a new man. Haha. I have half a mind to buy new spectacles, clothes and shoes and dye my hair to celebrate, but I'll see how it goes.
Birthday bash is tomorrow. It's fantastic that we are having it. The games look like tremendous fun and the turnout is going to be amazing. And I really hope we see people getting saved.
Recently I've been having a crisis of confidence. Ok, maybe those words are a little bit strong. But what's bugging me is being left out because of the choices I made. Before I entered the army I was determined that I not allow the army to change me, that I would go in and leave not allowing myself to be influenced by the people I meet but rather to influence them. I really am so grateful to my livewire friends for anchoring me and encouraging me all these two years.
Looking back I am proud of what I have achieved. Not only have I stayed serving in ministry these two years, but I've led three different life groups, planned two youth camps, one birthday bash and attended countless meetings. I went through two years determined to keep my mouth clean of vulgarities, I didn't take a sip of alcohol, or a puff of smoke, or a step into a club. I didn't take part in a dirty conversation, nor did I sneak a peek at a men's magazine, nor did I give in to the peer pressure to watch porn. I tried hard to do everything well, to be friendly to everyone, to lend a helping hand when needed, to be responsible in my duties and to follow the rules. In other words, I set crazy high standards for myself and I worked hard to live by them. Not trying to blow my horn or flaunt my 'holiness', far from trying to let people think I am 'holy', I think it was more a personal challenge I gave to myself. Whether or not I passed with flying colours is not up to me to judge.
Some wonder why I place all those restrictions on myself. Why is it so black and white? Why do you draw a line and stand 10kilometres away from it? Why do you intentionally deny yourself? Why can't you relax for a second? Loosen yourself up a little. Give yourself a break. What's wrong with wanting to live it up?
I find myself asking that question a lot. As one grows older, one is faced with a greater challenge to make decisions that honestly, have no right or wrong. The standard decision-making process is to rationalize and use reason and logic to justify a certain course of action. It's okay to drink if you don't get drunk. You can order the lighter drinks and skip the heavy liquour. It's a must to club because you need to gain more exposure and widen your social circle. Besides, there's no harm because you are going in a large group and you can choose not to drink if you don't want to. Nothing wrong with watching porn, you're just curious, and it's your own private affair. Vulgarities are a good way of relieving stress, it's scientifically proven. Oh how we seduce ourselves with our superior intellect, our lust for new experiences and our rational justifications. How often do I believe my own rational mind, how easily do I sometimes buy into my own propaganda.
Honestly, it's tough to go against the flow. Why choose to stick out like a sore thumb when it's so much easier to follow others? Why do you have to be so adamant against somethings? Why restrict yourself if you see nothing wrong?Honestly I don't have a very good answer, if I were to appeal to logic and reason.
The truth is I'm afraid. I'm not afraid of rejection or abandonment or being left out as much as I am afraid of losing myself. I seem to resist very strongly things that are 'adultish'. I still order teh pengs on very cold mornings when a hot tea would be better. I dress in my t shirts and jeans and my old sneakers from jc rather than graphic tees or button shirts. I carry my sling bag from jc as well. I'm afraid to grow up perhaps. Or maybe I'm still this overgrown kid with a mind of an adult but the heart of a child. No desire to grow up but wanting to be treated like an adult. Clearly my maturity level isn't where I think it is.
But upon further reflecting, tomorrow's birthday bash symbolizes why I choose what I choose. I take pride in my role as a youth leader. I have been one since I was 15, probably the youngest youth leader ever. I take pride in the fact that I constantly tried to punch above my weight, refusing to let anyone look down on me because I was (and still am) young. Nothing fills me with greater pride and humility at the same time that knowing that there are dozens of teenagers who look up to me and accept my leadership. Not that I might be their role model but that they allow me to speak into their lives and choose to hang out with me even if I may be as many as seven years older than some of them.
I look forward to Saturdays. It hardly occurs to me how many things I could do if I don't go for youth. I enjoy spending time with all these teens. I feel so humbled to be given the chance to lead them and to show them how to live a life that God would want them to lead. When I confronted with a decision, I find myself askin what would I want to see my youth doing if they were placed in my shoes. I worry that if I falter this once, I might legitimize someone doing it in the future. And the more I think, the greater the sense of responsibility that weighs on me.
Why draw a line and stand 10kilometres away from it? Maybe for every youth who has to stand behind that line, the further I get from it. For every decision to be made, I stand further away from it. To compromise on one issue is really to compromise my credibility to lead. Truth is, I love these people. It's not easy to explain, but they energize me, they challenge me and they invigorate me. They infuse my life with purpose and directed me onto the right steps. And every part of me just wants to make sure they turn out fine.
I'm afriad of losing out. I'm afraid that for every outing I turn down because of the youth ministry I increase my chances of not being close to my friends my age. I'm afraid for every club I do not go to, for every vulgarity I do not spout, for every drink I refuse to down, I risk being seen as out-of-place, a party-pooper, a spoilsport and worse, a social misfit. I grimace with every shocked look produced in reaction to my declaration tha I don't drink. I cringe everytime a conversation starts that I have no part in. I sometimes feel left out, I sometimes feel out of place.
Why draw a line and stand 10kilometres away from it? I can't rationally explain it. I can only say I love God and I love the people He has entrusted me with and as much as I struggle as a moth struggles not to approach a flame, I try to live a life that those people under me can aspire to live. I study hard, I work hard, I live well and I go home early. It's so hard to do but I'm so honoured to give it a try.
I believe God's eyes are scanning this earth looking for someone who would dare to be different, who would not buy into the conventional wisdom of the world. Like a modern-day Abraham who will trust God and move out of his comfort zone to claim a new land and found a new nation; or a Moses who will overcome his past to defy the Pharoah and lead his people to freedom; or a Joseph who will trust God through 17 years of trials and testing and emerge as the Prime Minister of Egypt; or perhaps a David who will stare at Goliath in the face and take him down with nothing but a slingshot and a huge dollop of faith in an omnipotent God; or a Paul who will quit his job as a highly recognized priest to in his own words, run the race and keep the faith. I don't pretend I'm anything like these great men in the people. I don't compare myself to them. All I know is that God gave them a destiny to impact their generation and He has a destiny for everyone to serve their generation. Some will run from it, some will deny it, some will never know but some will rise to that challenge and say Yes We Can to God.
I know it sounds crazy, especially if you don't believe in God, much less a divine destiny, but I believe in that and I'm not going to miss my calling.
"if you can use anything won't you use me/take me and break me and mould me and make me/you died for me so I'm living for you." - Reedemer, Planetshakers
2:35 am
As i write this i am spending my last night in camp. I write this with perhaps a heavy heart. I've never been good with farewells, even something as unhappy as the army. Maybe i won't be able to sleep tonight, what with all the thoughts running through my head.
Maybe i've learnt a lot of things in the army. I've learnt a lot about myself. That maybe i thought more highly of myself than i really should. It exposed a lot of weaknesses and a lot of insecurities and a whole bunch of fears, like i never seen before. Perhaps i am not as smart or resilient of savvy or intelligent or wise or a lot more things that i once thought i was. Perhaps one word could summarise this journey: humility.
One can never get away from the people one meets. You make friends, some help you, some go out of their way to stick up for you. You think you know some people but you realise actually you don't know anything at all. You think you got someone figured out until they totally surprise you all over again. You think you've seen it all but actually you've seen nothing at all. You win some and you also lose some. You make friends you want to keep for life, you meet people you hope to actually forget.
This is my last night in camp and i have a million and one thoughts going through my head. This is my attempt to pen some of them now so they will not be lost in the cosmic nothingness of forgetting. I can't wait to ord and move on. At the same time i'm sad to leave some place i lived for two years without making my full mark on it. I guess life goes on.
12:26 am
4:49 pm
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11
2:39 pm